Curmudgeon’s Quotations

Curmudgeon's Quotations

Humanity and Other Curiosities

  • Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, it doesn’t go away. — Philip K. Dick
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away, and an onion a day will get rid of everyone else. — Anonymous
  • Anybody who notices unpleasant facts in the have-a-nice-day world we live in is going to be designated a curmudgeon. — Paul Fussell
  • Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. — Winston Churchill
  • You can’t fool all of the people all of the time — but it isn’t necessary. — Booger Hollow
  • The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are right. — Mark Twain
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. — Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
  • It’s not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you. — Frank Zappa
  • The problem with the gene pool is, there’s no lifeguard. — Steven Wright
  • Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? — Steven Wright
  • We only use a third of our brain to think with. The question is: what do we do with the other third? — Anonymous (submitted by Don Bannon)
  • We already have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart instead? — Anonymous (submitted by Don Bannon)
  • The combination of foolishness in the heart and free will in the head is extremely volatile. — John Rosemond
  • You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad. — Aldous Huxley
  • A lie goes half way round the world before the truth can get its pants on. — Winston Churchill
  • The enemies of the truth are always awfully nice. — Christopher Morley
  • Of those who say nothing, few are silent. — Thomas Neill
  • It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them. — Dame Rose Macaulay
  • He’s a cross between a godfather and a lawyer. He’ll make you an offer you can’t understand. — Don Henley
  • Some open minds should be closed for repairs. — Anonymous
  • A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. — William James
  • It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. — Alfred Adler
  • The devil will let a preacher prepare a sermon if it will keep him from preparing himself. — Vance Havner
  • Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. — Joseph Heller
  • The self-made man is often a horrible example of unskilled labor. — Anonymous
  • Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. — Nick Diamos
  • The classes that wash most are those that work least. — G. K. Chesterton
  • Some people are like blisters; they never show up till the work is almost done. — Anonymous
  • We don’t know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it. — Will Rogers
  • There are lots of folks who want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. — Anonymous
  • The only people who brag about having been poor are the rich. — Frank B. Medor
  • When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. — Eric Hoffer
  • Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with nonconformity. — Eric Hoffer
  • Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. — Susan Ertz

Government and Politics

  • The supply of government exceeds the demand. — Lewis Lapham
  • No one party can fool all of the people all of the time. That’s why we have two parties. — Anonymous
  • I am a member of the rabble in good standing. — Robert Nathan
  • Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there’s no river. — Nikita Khrushchev
  • A statesman is a successful politician who is dead. — Thomas B. Reed
  • The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches the first prize. — Saul Bellow
  • Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. — Oscar Ameringer
  • Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television? — Art Buchwald
  • A liberal is a person whose interests aren’t at stake at the moment. — Willis Player
  • A conservative is a person who does not think anything should be done for the first time. — Frank Vanderlip
  • Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. — John Kenneth Galbraith
  • A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw
  • More is not always better. The fact that it takes one woman nine months to have a baby doesn’t mean a nine-woman co-op can produce a baby in one month. — Marilyn Ross
  • The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. — Albert Einstein
  • We certainly won’t have the horn of plenty if we keep blowing it. — Booger Hollow.
  • A billion here, a billion there; the first thing you know, you’re talking about real money. — Everett Dirksen
  • Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. — Laurence J. Peter
  • Two cheers for democracy: one because it admits variety and two because it permits criticism. Two cheers are quite enough: there is no occasion to give three. — Edward Morgan Forster
  • I’m not indecisive. Am I indecisive? — Jim Scheibel (mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota)


  • There are some things only intellectuals are crazy enough to believe. — George Orwell
  • Science is the orderly arrangement of what, at the moment, seem to be the facts. — Anonymous
  • Psychology: the science that tells you what you already know in words you don’t understand. — Anonymous
  • A philosopher is a person who gives other people advice about troubles he hasn’t had. — William R. Lewis
  • Our quaint metaphysical opinions, in an hour of anguish, are like playthings by the bedside of a child deathly sick. — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
  • I think I think; therefore, I think I am. — Ambrose Bierce
  • I have tried in my time to be a philosopher, but I don’t know how. Cheerfulness was always breaking in. — Oliver Edwards
  • Psychiatry: enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings. — Laurence J. Peter
  • Sociology: the study of people who do not need to be studied by people who do. — E. S. Turner
  • Sociologists are those academic accountants who think that truth can be shaken from an abacus. — Peter S. Prescott
  • Teacher: “Johnny, do you know the meaning of ‘apathy’?” Student: “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
  • I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. — Yogi Berra

Books and Writers

  • When ideas fail, words come in very handy. — Goethe
  • The multitude of books is making us ignorant. — Voltaire
  • Never lend books — nobody ever returns them; the only books I have in my library are those which people have lent me. — Anatole France
  • I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. — Woody Allen
  • Poets have been mysteriously quiet on the subject of cheese. — G. K. Chesterton
  • This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. — Dorothy Parker
  • The covers of this book are too far apart. — Ambrose Bierce
  • Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. — Samuel Johnson
  • We received your manuscript. Unfortunately, we cannot use the paper, as you have written on it already. — Rejection Notice from Publisher
  • To a fellow writer: Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. — P. G. Wodehouse
  • Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. — Flannery O’Connor
  • I tend to write a lot, which I think is the secret to being prolific. — David Mamet
  • I love being a writer. What I can’t stand is the paperwork. — Peter De Vries
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read. — Groucho Marx
  • Getting the first draft finished is like pushing a peanut with your nose across a very dirty floor. — Joyce Carol Oates
  • I suppose some editors are failed writers — but so are most writers. — T. S. Eliot
  • An expert frequently avoids all the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. — M. Lincoln Schuster (the Schuster in Simon & Schuster)
  • The world does not need more Christian writers. It needs more good writers who are Christians. — C. S. Lewis

The Media

  • A newspaper editor is a person who knows precisely what he wants but isn’t quite sure. — Walter Davenport
  • In the old days men had the rack. Now they have the press. — Oscar Wilde
  • Television is a medium of entertainment that permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time and yet remain lonesome. — T. S. Elliott
  • Television: the bland leading the bland. — Anonymous
  • Television — a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. — Ernie Kovacs
  • Why should people pay good money to go out and see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing? — Samuel Goldwyn
  • The secret of acting is sincerity — if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. — George Burns
  • Television is for appearing on — not for looking at. — Noel Coward
  • My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too. — Peter De Vries
  • Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home. — David Frost
  • Television has lifted the manufacture of banality out of the sphere of handicraft and placed it in that of a major industry. — Natalie Sarraute
  • The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side. — Hunter S. Thompson
  • Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. — George Orwell

Home and Family

  • There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate. — Anonymous (submitted by W. Frank Walton)
  • Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. — Alan King
  • The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde
  • Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. — Sam Levenson (submitted by W. Frank Walton)
  • Nothing new here, except my marrying, which to me is a matter of profound wonder. — Abraham Lincoln
  • Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. — Groucho Marx
  • You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “You’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” — Dave Barry

Life As We Know It

  • People say life is strange, but . . . compared to what? — Steve Forbert
  • What we need are some new cliches. — Samuel Goldwyn
  • An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure. — Steven E. Clark
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. — Lisa Grossman
  • Surly to bed, surly to rise. — Anonymous
  • Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. — Steven Wright
  • I don’t make predictions. I never have and I never will. — Tony Blair, British prime minister
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. — Anonymous (submitted by Warren Berkley).
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. — Anonymous
  • Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. — Christopher Lasch
  • You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. — Dolly Parton
  • I don’t like money actdually, but it calms my nerves. — Joe Louis
  • If a Christmas gift is advertised as “under $50,” you can bet it’s not $19.95. — McGowan’s Axiom
  • Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. — H. L. Mencken
  • “Necessity is the mother of invention” is a silly proverb. “Necessity is the mother of futile dodges” is much nearer the truth. — Alfred North Whitehead
  • In the battle of the sexes: woman fights from a dreadnaught and man from an open raft. — H. L. Mencken
  • Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. — Bill Vaughn
  • Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year. — Victor Borge
  • It’s gotten to the point where most of us are spending way too much time with our seatbacks and tray tables in their upright and fully locked position. — Anonymous
  • We’re all in this together . . . by ourselves. — Lily Tomlin
  • For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three. — Alice Kahn
  • History keeps repeating itself. That’s one of the things wrong with history. — Clarence Darrow
  • What we call progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance. — Havelock Ellis
  • The purpose of the doctor is to entertain the patient while the disease takes its course. — Voltaire
  • If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation. — Jean Kerr
  • Life is a zoo in a jungle. — Peter De Vries
  • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn’t met me yet. — Rodney Dangerfield
  • There is one word in America that says it all, and that one word is “You never know.” — Joaquin Andujar
  • Noah was a brave man to sail in a wooden boat with two termites. — Anonymous
  • Things are always darkest just before they go pitch black. — From “I Spy”
  • Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. — Emo Philips
  • Things will probably turn out all right, but sometimes it takes strong nerves just to watch. — Hedley Donovan
  • If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is probably not for you. — Anonymous
  • The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. — James Branch Cabel
  • My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. — Jean Rostand
  • Confidence: what you start off with before you completely understand the situation. — Robert Orben
  • A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future. — Sydney Harris
  • Even paranoids have real enemies. — Delmore Schwartz
  • I’m worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It’s not holding a charge. — Edward Chilton
  • A stale mind is the devil’s breadbox. — Mary Bly
  • It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that is the way to bet. — Damon Runyon
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. — Mark Twain
  • When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done. — Anonymous
  • Remember, there is always hope. The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals. — Anonymous

Gary Henry –

Error: Please enter a valid email address

Error: Invalid email

Error: Please enter your first name

Error: Please enter your last name

Error: Please enter a username

Error: Please enter a password

Error: Please confirm your password

Error: Password and password confirmation do not match