“Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh, and the greatness which does not bow before children” (Kahlil Gibran).
WE NEED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN LIFE THAT LAUGHTER IS THE RIGHT RESPONSE TO. Sometimes we act as if we thought laughter were nothing more than a concession to weakness and that whenever we’ve indulged in a bit of laughter we need to return to a serious state of mind as quickly as possible. But that’s simply not true. We may occasionally laugh when laughter is not appropriate, but the fact remains: there are some things that laughter is the right response to. Not to laugh at things that SHOULD produce laughter is as unhealthy as it is foolish.
When we encounter something that should cause laughter to bubble up spontaneously inside of us and that doesn’t happen, what is the cause? There might be many reasons perhaps, some of which would be perfectly understandable, but very often the culprit is simply our pride. We take ourselves too seriously. Our notion of “dignity” or “maturity” is such that it won’t let us laugh. But that’s unfortunate. As Kahlil Gibran observed, “the philosophy which does not laugh” is not a good philosophy to build our lives upon. It’s one to be avoided.
It’s a curious fact that sometimes we may be feeling quite mirthful on the inside but no one could tell it by looking at our faces. I suggest that it’s a healthy exercise to work on letting physical laughter break out from inside us more often. It’s good to FEEL joyful, but it’s even better to express that feeling with good, physical LAUGHTER!
But what about our relationships with others? Wouldn’t it be a good thing if laughter were allowed to enliven our relationships more often? If it would, then here’s a good gift that we can give to those whom we love. In our relationships with them, we can do our part to create an environment where it’s as safe to laugh as it is to cry. Good relationships can’t be made from laughter alone; they also require some sorrow. But on the other hand, if others aren’t sure what our response would be if they ever laughed out loud, that’s not good either.
“Where is home? Home is where the heart can laugh without shyness. Home is where the heart’s tears can dry at their own pace” (Vernon G. Baker).
“Life is short and we never have enough time for gladdening the hearts of those who travel the way with us. Oh, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind” (Henri Frederic Amiel).
IF THERE IS ANYTHING THAT IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND URGENT, “GLADDENING THE HEARTS OF THOSE WHO TRAVEL THE WAY WITH US” WOULD CERTAINLY QUALIFY. Given the amount of gloom that hangs around most people’s lives, we never have a greater privilege than when we have the opportunity to impart a little gladness.
In discussing the synonyms GLAD, HAPPY, CHEERFUL, LIGHTHEARTED, JOYFUL, and JOYOUS, the American Heritage Dictionary makes this comment on GLAD: “GLAD often has reference to the strong feeling that results from gratification of a wish or from satisfaction with immediate circumstances.” We make others “glad” when the things we do for them fulfill a significant longing or desire that they have, especially the longing to be treated with love, respect, and kindness.
Being glad ourselves and giving gladness to others don’t require much in the way of raw materials. For gladness to occur, it isn’t necessary for some great event to transpire or for some magnificent gesture to be made. Small things can provide great gladness, often better than large ones, and there aren’t many days when we don’t have numerous chances to give and to enjoy commonplace gladness.
Perhaps one of the deepest sources of gladness should be the knowledge of our own personal identities. Simply put, we ought to be glad to be who we are. Despite our disadvantages, each of us enjoys a set of circumstances that we can rightfully be thankful for. Our individually unique families, our distinct physical and mental characteristics, our geographical places to live and work — all of these things, and many more, are “pastures” that we should be reluctant to trade for any of the “greener” pastures that belong to someone else.
Not everything in life gives gladness, of course. But the things that don’t are very often those that deepen our gratitude when the darkness finally disappears. What we want are hearts that can feel the whole range of things that NEED to be felt, each in its rightful time.
In heaven above,
And earth below, they best can serve true gladness
Who meet most feelingly the calls of sadness.
(William Wordsworth)
“We cannot put off living until we are ready. The most salient characteristic of life is its coerciveness; it is always urgent, ‘here and now’ without any possible postponement. Life is fired at us point blank” (Jose Ortega y Gasset).
IN VERY MANY CASES, WHATEVER IS WORTH DOING IS NOT ONLY WORTH DOING WELL; IT’S WORTH DOING RIGHT NOW. When we know that there is some good thing to be done and that it would be best to tend to it immediately, procrastination is a dangerous, opportunity-wasting thing. In matters of conscience, at least, we would be better off if we were people whose inward character had more “urgency.” As Gasset pointed out, “Life is fired at us point blank,” and it’s usually a mistake to duck or run away.
Much has been written about the bad habit of letting our lives be “tyrannized” by relatively trivial things that demand our attention, while more important matters go undone. To whatever extent we can distinguish between “urgent” and “important,” we do need to resist the tyranny of things that are urgent but not important. I don’t deny that. But when I recommend urgency as a positive character trait, I’m saying that we ought to grant a greater urgency to the things that are important. Our view of what’s urgent needs to be adjusted.
Almost everybody has had the experience of being given a gift by somebody who couldn’t wait for us to open it. When we said, “Thanks, I look forward to finding out what it is,” they said, “Go ahead! Open it! Open it!” Do we mind that kind of urgency? Are we put off by it? Certainly not. And the point is that we ought to be giving our very selves to our loved ones with that kind of eagerness.
Whether or not we show a healthy measure of urgency in our hearts probably depends on how we see life in general. The most delightfully urgent people I know happen to be people whose basic response to life is “Yes!” Whatever difficulties they may have to endure, their overarching attitude toward their place in the world is one of gratitude. I’m no more naive about the brokenness of our world than you are, but I submit to you that there is still much grace to be found . . . and to be acted upon. The right response is a hearty “Yes!”
“The day is short, the labor long, the workers are idle, the reward is great, and the Master is urgent” (Mishnah).
For a limited time, we are offering bulk copies of “Reaching Forward” at nearly give-away prices. You can get 36 copies for only $6 per book, plus shipping by UPS Ground from Louisville KY.
This book sells at retail for $18.95, so you are getting a 70% discount!!!
The only condition is that YOU MAY NOT RESELL THESE FOR A PROFIT. If you sell copies to others, you may not charge more than you paid for them. This offer is primarily for our readers who have said they want to GIVE copies to their friends and neighbors.
You can order as many cases as you like, while supplies last.
Contact me immediately if you want one. Just tell me where you want them shipped to. I will ship the books and send you an invoice, which you can pay when the books arrive.
Email me at garyhenry@wordpoints.com to place your order.
Also, if you know of a congregation, a prison ministry, a counseling practice, or other enterprise that might like to take advantage of this special offer, please give them a heads-up.
“A person or action which can be described by the [Greek] word kalos is not only good; he or it is also beautiful. It therefore has in it the idea of goodness which is winsome and attractive. Very often the best translation of it is ‘lovely’” (William Barclay).
WINSOMENESS IS ONE KIND OF GOODNESS: IT’S THE KIND OF GOODNESS THAT IS “ATTRACTIVE.” When someone is charming or delightful, we’re attracted to them. We’re pulled TOWARD them. The pull is not a physical force like gravitation or magnetism, yet it sometimes feels that compelling. (Antonyms like “repulsive” or “repellent” share the same metaphor, of course, only in reverse: people with these qualities push us AWAY from them.) “Winsomeness,” then, is ATTRACTIVE goodness, goodness that pulls with the power of LIKABILITY.
In ancient times, the Greeks had a special word for this kind of goodness: kalos. In contrast to agathos, the normal word for “good,” kalos meant that which was fine or admirable or praiseworthy. If something was kalos, it was not only right and correct from a technical viewpoint, it was also delightful. And these are two very different kinds of goodness, aren’t they? We all know people who are scrupulously correct, but their rectitude doesn’t have much warmth or beauty to it. We know others who are no less concerned to do the right thing, but their goodness is also lovely and inviting. They are winsome!
It’s interesting that our English word “winsome” comes from the Old English wynn, which simply meant “joy.” When we say that a friend has a “winning” smile, we don’t just mean that their facial expressions can win us over but that their goodness gives us great joy.
Are you working on your winsomeness? I hope so. And I hope you’ll see it as something more than as a personality trait. In reality, it’s a CHARACTER trait. Real winsomeness has a much higher goal than “how to win friends and influence people.” It’s not a technique to use but A GIFT TO GIVE. It’s the imparting of daily GRACE to those around us.
A sweet attractive kind of grace,
A full assurance given by looks,
Continual comfort in a face,
The lineaments of Gospel books;
I trow that countenance cannot lie
Whose thoughts are legible in the eye.
(Matthew Roydon)
“Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship” (Zeuxis).
IF WE HAVE TO ADMIT THAT WE SPEND MORE TIME CRITIQUING THE WORK OF OTHERS THAN WE DO IMPROVING OUR OWN CRAFTSMANSHIP, THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING. Most of the worthwhile things that human beings are called upon to do require some skill and ability. It’s a fact that other people often fail to do their work as skillfully and ably as might be expected, but even so, pointing out that fact is rarely the most productive thing we could be doing with our time. Sharpening our own skills is usually the better choice.
If the word “pride” can ever be used in a good sense, it’s probably in the phrase “pride of workmanship.” Pride of workmanship is the pleasure that the craftsman has when he finishes a piece of work and knows that it’s the very best that he can do. It’s one of life’s best feelings, actually. And it’s sad that so few of us experience it very often.
The quality of our craftsmanship could certainly be improved in the many specific things we do — our work, our hobbies, our community involvement, and so forth — but there is an even more important sense in which we are practicing a craft. A human life as a whole is a thing that has to be made or created. In an overall sense, we are each “building” something that will eventually be finished. Whether the finished product will be one that we can feel good about depends, to a large extent, on how active we are in improving our craftsmanship.
As we give our “selves” to our family and friends and coworkers, it’s a gratifying thing to know that we’re giving them the very best handiwork that we’re capable of producing. Surely, some of our peers are people who mean so much to us that we wouldn’t ever want to give them anything but our best. But in truth, there is no one we’ll ever meet who doesn’t deserve the best that we can offer them.
And so let’s aspire to being people who know how to craft a human life that’s worthy of appreciation. It’s a daunting challenge, without a doubt, and it will consume vast reserves of both patience and diligence. But crafting an honorable life is not impossible.
“If a great thing can be done at all, it can be done easily. But it is that kind of ease with which a tree blossoms after long years of gathering strength” (John Ruskin).
“It must be obvious to those who take the time to look at human life that its greatest values lie not in getting things, but in doing them, in doing them together, in all working toward a common aim, in the experience of comradeship, of warmhearted one hundred per cent human life” (W. T. Grant).
WE OFTEN UNDERESTIMATE THE GOODNESS THAT IS GENERATED WHEN PEOPLE WORK TOGETHER ON SOMETHING THAT THEY’RE ALL PASSIONATELY COMMITTED TO. Call it “synergy” or whatever you like, there is something very special that takes place when two or more people make a mutual assault on a challenge that would be too much for any of them individually. When the undertaking is dangerous or physically threatening, the spirit of “camaraderie” is especially deep and meaningful, but we don’t have to be soldiers sharing a foxhole under enemy fire to experience the benefit of this phenomenon. There are many other ways we can be comrades.
The main ingredient necessary for the spirit of camaraderie is a common vision or purpose. To be bound together beneficially, a group must have a goal that is not only held in common but is also felt to be very IMPORTANT by the group. When two or more people are committed to a goal that is GREATER THAN ANY DIFFERENCES THAT MIGHT SEPARATE THEM, powerful things are likely to take place. When a group has a goal greater than its differences, you’d be wise to stand back. It’s coming through, and if you’re an obstruction, you’re likely to be mowed down.
The wonderful thing about life is that there is no shortage of good goals that can weld us together. And not only that, we can be members of more than one group, committed to more than one goal.
These days, most of us live and work in locales where there are many other people. We find ourselves being “with” other human beings whether we want to be or not. But the really good things in life won’t come to us unless we move beyond physical closeness to actual camaraderie. It takes a conscious choice on our part to connect healthily to those who jostle up against us from day to day. Good, mutually beneficial relationships are there for the making, and we ought not to be content to occupy physically adjoining spaces. With at least a few of these people, we need to become comrades.
“The necessity of loyalty between friends, the responsibility that the strong owe the infirm, the illusion of ill-gotten gain, the rewards of hard work, honesty, and trust — these are enduring truths glimpsed and judged first through the imagination, first through art” (Michael Dorris).
IMAGINATION WAS GIVEN TO US NOT ONLY FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT; IT WAS ALSO GIVEN FOR OUR INSTRUCTION. It’s a silly person indeed who, disliking fiction, says that he only enjoys books that are “true.” Not only can imaginative works convey truth, they can often do so much more powerfully than an argument or an exposition. It is no accident that the most influential teachers the world has ever known have engaged our imaginations with stories.
None of us has grasped any more than a minute fraction of the totality of what is real. If we were good enough with words to describe in detail every single thing we know to be true, the books we might write would still contain only an infinitesimal part of what there is to know. Deep down, we know this. We know that there is so much more. In our heart of hearts, we feel the tug of great things that lie just outside the boundaries of our present knowledge. We sense their existence, but we can’t quite capture them with our words.
Imagination, I believe, is the tool that’s been given to us by which we can reach beyond what we know is true and touch things we only have an INKLING are true. Joseph Roux said it this way: “That which we know is but little; that which we have a presentiment of is immense; it is in this direction that the poet outruns the learned man.”
We need to take better care of our imaginations than we sometimes do. For one thing, we need to be more careful what we feed them. Much that we might imagine is not worth imagining, and we ought to steer clear of all that is sordid or selfish. But beyond that, we need to NURTURE our imaginations. If we allow them the exercise they need, they’ll grow and become strong. In time, they’ll take their place among our best friends. And, as we’ve said, they’ll not only entertain us; they’ll teach us. As folks who’re both thoughtful and imaginative, we’ll learn a lot more than we could with either tool alone.
“You ride astride the imaginary in order to hunt down the real” (Breyten Breytenbach).
“Because of its value, some people have called feedback ‘the breakfast of champions.’ But it isn’t the breakfast; it’s the lunch. Vision is the breakfast. Self-correction is the dinner” (Stephen R. Covey).
FEEDBACK IS THE THING THAT LETS US KNOW HOW WE’RE DOING. The word has some other scientific and technical definitions, but in the realm of human relationships, feedback is simply the information that comes to us from outside our own minds and tells us what the results of our actions have been. An employee receives a performance appraisal from his supervisor. That’s feedback. A student gets a exam back with a grade on it. That’s feedback. A friend tells you that she was offended by something you said. That’s feedback.
Without feedback, it’s almost impossible to know whether our actions have achieved the result that we were hoping for. We may have our own ideas and impressions about what we’ve done, but those impressions can be seriously out of touch with the real facts. Even the most objective persons among us need the benefit of external feedback, information from outside ourselves that can help us see if there are any adjustments we need to make in what we’re doing.
If we know what’s good for us, we will appreciate, rather than resent, those who give us feedback. There is even a sense in which we ought to make good use of the feedback we get from enemies. If a comment is made that contains some truth we need to hear, we’d be foolish to disregard the truth just because of where it came from. Indeed, our enemies will sometimes come closer to telling us the truth than will our friends, who don’t want to jeopardize the relationship.
Too often, our lives languish for lack of feedback. We hide from it, preferring the comfort and security of our own self-image. And consequently, we stay stuck. We don’t make the PROGRESS that could be made if we opened ourselves up to outside information about where we really are right now. Too embarrassed to be told, “You’re still a beginner,” we doom ourselves to the permanent status of beginner.
“Building character and competency is a process, and one of the highest-leverage things we can do in this process is to regularly seek 360 degree feedback. It takes humility to ask for and receive it. You may have to take oxygen to get through it. But understanding it and acting wisely with regard to it can powerfully impact your time and quality of life” (Stephen R. Covey).
“The very greatest mystery is in unsheathed reality itself” (Eudora Welty).
TRUTH, WE ARE OFTEN TOLD, IS STRANGER THAN FICTION. I would agree, as long as we use the word “strange” to mean “wonderful,” i.e. “producing a sense of wonder.” Compared to what we sometimes WISH to be real or PREFER to be real, what IS real is almost always more full of wonder. As a writer of some of the twentieth century’s greatest fiction, Eudora Welty knew what she was talking about: “The very greatest mystery is in unsheathed reality itself.”
A commitment to reality is a good thing. We’d be better off if we made such a commitment more seriously. But doing that isn’t always easy. For one thing, it takes HUMILITY. Reality is a thing that we must bow before with a certain amount of reverence. In addition, a commitment to reality also takes COURAGE. “Realists do not fear the results of their study” (Feodor Dostoevsky). Once we sign on to follow the truth, there’s no telling where it might lead us before we’re done.
But there is one other thing that should be said about realists. Contrary to the popular stereotype, realists are usually people of ACTION. There is a certain type of individual who, under the guise of “realism,” is always saying, “It won’t work.” He never has a better plan, but he knows that the one that has been proposed is going to fail. But that’s not realism. It’s laziness. As Sydney J. Harris said, “An idealist believes the short run doesn’t count. A cynic believes the long run doesn’t matter. A realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run determines the long run.” The genuine realist is always willing, with both humility and courage, to ACT. He’s willing to do the best thing that he knows to do at the present moment.
What we all want in life is to have people who’ll deal with us realistically. We want to be accepted for what we are, even with our blemishes and blunders. But if we want that, shouldn’t we deal with others in the same way? Real people, like real life, don’t always conform to our wishes. If they did, they wouldn’t be as “wonderful.”
“Nothing which is at all times and in every way agreeable to us can have objective reality. It is of the very nature of the real that it should have sharp corners and rough edges, that it should be resistant, should be itself. Dream-furniture is the only kind on which you never stub your toes or bang your knee” (C. S. Lewis).
